Just like every couple, every divorce is unique. Some couples struggle to make it through the proceedings without arguing over every subject, while others manage to work together to create their divorce agreement. The way that the divorce proceedings are handled is not necessarily reflective of the quality of the divorcing couple’s relationship, but more telling of their communication skills. Divorce is bound to be an emotional and difficult life experience to go through and everyone responds to these feelings in their own way. Not all divorces require court intervention, and there are a few alternative dispute resolution options available to you and your spouse if you are planning on divorcing.

Divorce Mediation

Some divorcing couples have excellent communication skills and think it would be best to work together to create their divorce agreement. For those who are able to compromise when necessary and work through any disputes without court intervention, divorce mediation may be a good option. In mediation, a couple creates a divorce agreement with the help of a third-party mediator. The mediator does not act as either party’s attorney or legal representative, though many mediators are also attorneys. This neutral third party will provide suggestions to the couple and keep them on task, resolving any minor disagreements that may arise throughout the process. Mediation allows the couple to have complete control over their divorce agreement, including any determinations regarding property division, spousal maintenance payments, child custody arrangements, and more.

Collaborative Divorce

This is the another common type of divorce proceeding that couples pursue, allowing each spouse to have their own legal representative while still negotiating with their former spouse. In a collaborative divorce, the spouses will meet with their prospective attorneys, outside of court, to come to a settlement on the various terms of their divorce agreement. This type of divorce ensures that each party’s needs are being advocated for by their own attorney while also keeping the decisions out of the hands of a judge. Divorce mediation can sometimes lead to one spouse taking advantage of the other by suggesting terms that they know are unfair or by using their relationship dynamic, with one spouse holding more decision-making authority than the other, for their benefit. Collaborative divorce avoids these possibilities, though the spouses may be best to seek an alternative route if they are still unable to come up with a settlement on their agreement.

Whether you have just begun the process of initiating divorce proceedings or are in the early stages of contemplating ending your marriage, imagining what your life will look and feel like when you are on your own again can be emotionally crippling. It is not uncommon for couples to remain in relationship limbo for that exact reason — the idea of living alone can be overwhelming, to say the least. Thankfully, the decision to move forward and take the next step into your newly single life can also be a prime opportunity to nurture yourself in ways you may have never done before. An experienced divorce attorney can assist you with the legal steps of ending your marriage so you can focus on reinventing yourself. 

How and Where to Begin

Psychology experts remind us that people often lose themselves in relationships, so it is not surprising how challenging the task of figuring out how to live alone can be following a divorce. As you take a leap into what feels like the great unknown, practice the following tips to help yourself prepare and adjust to your new life:

1. Make your living space your sanctuary: Once you are no longer living with your married partner, your home environment is more important than ever before. Whether you have plans to remain in the home you both shared or you intend to start fresh and move to a brand-new apartment in another city, ensure that your space makes you feel comfortable, safe, and peaceful. Make your home your sanctuary, a refuge from the outside world. Redecorate as much as it is financially feasible, especially if you are staying in the same home. If you are relocating, unpack your boxes and make the place feel lived in, so you feel as if you are establishing roots. This will also allow you to relax and feel a new sense of belonging.

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Even under the very best of circumstances, the divorce experience can take a significant psychological toll on everyone involved. The emotional effects of the end of a marriage can become even more complicated when the divorcing couple shares children, as children can be especially sensitive to the overwhelming changes to their household and lifestyle.

Sadly, in cases of a contentious divorce, the conditions can sometimes turn toxic as parents succumb to parental alienation syndrome. This occurs when one parent turns the children against the other parent. This syndrome morphs into a pattern of habitual parent-child relationship sabotage, often resulting in short and long-term psychological damage to the kids.

Despite our very best efforts to mentally prepare for the emotional pain that accompanies divorce, it is difficult — if not impossible — to brace ourselves for the outcome, no matter how hard we try. Even couples who split amicably, and are still on good terms after the decision to end their marriage, are often surprised by the emotional tide they find themselves swept up in during and after the divorce proceedings. In reality, the end of a marriage takes a toll on anyone who experiences such a transition, but adopting some healthy coping strategies early on in the process can help pave the way for a less painful road to recovery.

What Does it Mean to Cope in a Healthy Way?

There are all kinds of ways people cope during a loss or major disappointment in life and some of those strategies end up causing more harm and more problems when used consistently. Overeating, binge drinking, or excessive spending can all backfire when used as a way to regulate our emotions. In contrast, coping in a healthy way promotes self-care and helps to relax and support our mental, physical, and spiritual health. Throughout the divorce process, practice the following tips to cope with any painful, uncomfortable emotions in a healthy way:

1. Pamper Yourself - Indulging in a hot bath, some aromatherapy, or going to the spa for a massage, manicure, or hair appointment are all healthy ways to care for your body and nourish your spirit. Identify those pampering activities you enjoy and utilize them to give yourself a lift and re-energize when you are feeling emotionally drained.

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Regardless of whether or not the decision to end your marriage is mutual, once the agreement to divorce has materialized, both parties can feel as if the worst part — the big decision — is over. However, the reality of divorce says otherwise. It is often the moments leading up to, and those immediately after the litigation process, that can sneak up and cause conflict. Couples who have managed to remain civil and those who are experiencing existing tension have the opportunity to lessen the chances of a contentious divorce by looking for signs of underlying tension. 

Signs Your Divorce May Take a Turn

While no two divorces look alike and every couple’s circumstances differ, the following signs are common red flags that may point to conflict on the horizon:

1. Custody Disputes - Anytime children are involved in a divorce, the emotions and stakes are always heightened. While many parents choose to find ways to cooperate with one another for the sake of the kids, the smallest of disagreements when it comes to parenting plans or parenting time can quickly take a turn for the worst. This is especially true if the reason for the divorce was particularly damaging, due to infidelity or an intimate betrayal of some sort. Be sure to address your concerns with your attorney if you or the other parent are beginning to lose your patience with one another in front of the children and you are noticing that you are not seeing eye to eye on parenting issues.

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